Confessions Of A Complicated Love-A-Holic

Yes, I am a complicated person.

As someone once told me, people can easily fall in love with me but it would take a greater amount of effort to keep on doing so. And yet, as I recently found out, there are still quite a number of people who are very much willing to take the risk and go the extra mile, which I find very comforting.

But what really makes me complicated? Let me give you a quick rundown so please indulge me a little. Anyway, you always have the option to close this window if you find this, for a lack of better term, “uninteresting for your taste”.

I easily fall in love if I’m extremely attracted to someone. I tend to overlook a lot of standards, which causes me (more often than not) tragic heartaches. Basically, that list I came up with a long time ago of people my ‘type’ goes out the window. AND YET, when I’m NOT attracted to someone, I don’t have the guts to tell him off. I usually wait for their interest to wither away. Good or bad? You tell me.

I can get ‘clingy’ to a fault. I tend to be possessive, ridiculously jealous, unbelievably paranoid and demanding. I would want to find someone to that I would go gaga over with and vice versa. I want to go crazy loving that person and not even think about anything else, at least for the first few months. Let’s deal with talking about the future of the relationship when we actually get there.

I am emotional. Very! I rarely fight with my partner and whenever I do I usually end up saying things that I would later on regret. And when he fights back, I cry. Just cry. I can be pissed one moment for certain things he does or does not do and then be utterly sweet the next. Yeah, call me crazy but that’s just who I am.

I have a lot of pet peeves. I hate waiting, people who don’t value time. I hate being late. I hate liars, addicts, nonchalance, and arrogance. I hate inconsiderate people. I hate fashion faux pas. I hate reckless drivers. I hate taxi drivers who scam. I hate tax. I hate corrupt politicians who pretend to care. I hate squatters. I hate people who don’t do their job well and yet pretend they’re overworked. I hate most of my colleagues. I hate bastards and jerks who woo you to believe they’re “the one.” I hate pretensions. I hate lousy service. I hate people who take too long to order in a fast food. I hate people who comment on things they know nothing about. I hate crowded bars. I hate people who have no regard for other people’s feelings. I hate pasosyal and maarte bitches. I hate pa-cool guys. I hate eating alone in a restaurant; it makes me feel like a loser. From escalators that don’t work to stupid people whose stupidity isn’t funny, the list goes on.

I am a self-proclaimed hopeless-romantic. I dream of romantic dates by the beach or a picnic in a garden that would blow my mind away, but I’ve become jaded recently. There are a lot of “great almosts” out there. I still believe in happy ever after though. I believe that happiness is a series of correct choices. I want someone who would understand me even if I talk in circles that make no sense. I love holding hands under the table and little things that would make me remember, like a particular scent or a remarkable moment. I love surprises. I love little trinkets of appreciation. I love long talks and long walks. I love a great conversation. I love magic on the first meeting. I love intimacy and passion. I love sex. I love being in love.

I am picky. I am very particular from my clothes, my food, my coffee, to my friends and dates.

I am eclectic when it comes to listening to music. I have almost 6000 songs in my iPod from Opera to jologs OPM… and still growing.

I love trivia and discovering new things. I am willing to try anything once. I hate clichés.

In this cynical world we live in, we can only dream of the day when we meet one person that can turn out more than you expect. I am turning 27 and all I ask is to care and love someone until then of my days. But I guess nowadays, it’s much, much harder to find.

The significant other that’s as much complicated as I am and won’t mind going that extra mile to make it work.

Thoughts On Dating

My friends would always say that I'm such a good catch. But recently, I'm finding that harder and harder to believe (only because recent dates seem to be proving to me otherwise). Sometimes, I can't help but think if there's really something wrong with me or has all the good men (gay or straight) become really that hard to find?

In our never-ending search for happiness, we date and date to try our luck on this game. And while we try to make a good first impression, there are really times when there's just no connection. So what does it take to make not just a good first impression but to make a lasting one?

When you meet a person for the first time in a date, there are certain rules that you follow. Here’s mine:



1. Prepare for your date but don't be over the top. Find out where you're going and dress appropriately. Don't wear an evening gown or a tux if you're just going for coffee or a movie. You don't want to intimidate the other person that much. Be comfortable on what you're wearing. Feeling good on what you're wearing always gives you more confidence.

2. Good Manners are always a must. Remember the things you were taught in school, Good Manners and Right Conduct. Don't curse or say inappropriate words and remember to say 'please' and 'thank you'. Nothing beats an educated person. After all, no one wants to hear the word SH*T or F*CK in every other sentence.

3. Talk about things you may have in common. Find that connection and start a nice conversation. Never talk about your EX's. No one wants to hear about it. That's why they are called, EX's -- they should remain just that. Don't talk about work; it's not a job interview.

4. Be confident (but don't overdo it). Over-confidence can be misunderstood as arrogance. If you're too shy, then try to open up a little. Don't clam up. Loosen up a bit.

5. Don't talk too much. Learn to listen and don't talk about yourself as if you want to reveal everything in one blow. Keep a little mystery. And don't ask too many questions. Especially inappropriate ones like, "What's your favorite position in bed?" Reserve that for the the 5th, 6th, or 10th date… if you get that far.

6. Be honest. No one likes a liar.

7. If you don't see the date to be going anywhere, have the courage to say so. Don't just stay there and endure the torture but if you can then at least let the date finish and be on your separate ways. Try your luck on the next one.

8. Keep the friendship. Don't feel bad if one did not like the other. It happens. You don't expect everyone to have the same feelings, right? So if you don't like the person or that person doesn't like you, remain friends. She/he might have another friend she/he could refer to you. Keep your network open.



9. Don't assume. Don't play the guessing game. Most likely, if there's a connection you don't even have to ask if the fondness is mutual. You'll go out again for sure.

10. Don't end on a bad note. Make sure you thank the other person for the company and the time. You did make an effort for this date after all.

Mind you, I do not claim to be an expert on dating. These are taken from my experiences and you're welcomed to share your own little DO's and DON'Ts on the matter. I've had my fair share of mishaps on dating. Stories you'd probably die laughing when you hear. But let me reserve that on future blog entries.

A date is an opportunity for you to meet someone. Meeting a person that could be your future lover, husband/wife, partner, or even friend, it doesn’t have to be too complicated. Remember, it's just another person you're meeting, so don't pressure yourself if it doesn't work. Throw back the fish and let's catch some more. Sooner or later, you might just end up catching the biggest fish at sea.

Another Break-Up Story

It was late in the afternoon and she was busy working on a report that her boss had earlier asked. "I know you're busy, but I just wanted to say I love you," she said over YM. He didn't reply after a few minutes and he said, "I've been thinking about us, about myself, about our relationship."

There was something definitely off about that statement, she thought. She felt like there was suddenly a cloud above her head and she became nervous.

"What exactly do you mean?" she asked.

"I think I need some space from this relationship," he wrote. "I don't want to be unfair to you and I know I cannot give you my 100% time. I just want to be honest about what I'm feeling and I thought you should know now."

She was speechless and it took about a minute or so for her to reply. She took a deep breath and replied, "So, are you breaking-up with me?"

"No..." he quickly replied. "I just need some space. I mean, I know I cannot give you my everything and I don't want to go into a relationship if I can't give my all. It's not you, it's me"

Oh no! He used the eternal break-up line. What a load of BULL, she thought. Where is this guy's originality? And as if this wasn't bad enough, he followed it up with; "I'll call you later. I don't want to talk about this here." WTF! He just started the whole thing here and suddenly he doesn't want to talk. This guy better grow some balls. At this point, she was so angry at herself for allowing this guy to have the power to make her feel bad. It was just 2 weeks. And just a week ago he was saying all sorts of romantic blah-blahs. "I'll take care of you," he said. I won't hurt you and I want this to work." And then suddenly this! What does this guy think, that she's an idiot born yesterday?

She felt so bad that she quickly logged off. She didn't even want to know what other crap this guy was about to throw at her. All she knew was she needed a cigarette…and most probably vodka.

-0-

"Another Red Horse and keep it coming," she said to the waiter while lighting another cigarette. It was her 3rd bottle and she was feeling woozy but she figured being tipsy was better than feeling shitty. She was angry not at him but at herself. She kept thinking if it was somehow her fault. In her mind, she went back and forth on the weeks that had passed. Thinking if there's anything she could have done differently.

Her mobile phone suddenly rang and it was he. She contemplated for a second if she would answer. "Hello," she said as cold as possible. He talked and she listened. It was the same load of SH*T he had already said over YM.

"You can be angry at me. You have the right to hate me," he said. "Damn right I should," she thought. But she didn't. She couldn't. More than anger, she was extremely hurt. She couldn't understand why this is happening to her all over again. Has she really fallen into this trap. He went on trying to explain why he came to that conclusion. And every word that he was saying seemed as insincere as with all his previous promises. He didn't even sound hurt. He sounded as if it was just another deal he needed to close. She decided to end the call before she threw her phone. The temptation of doing so was too great to resist if she kept on listening to his voice.

-0-

She woke up the next day with a huge migraine. She couldn't figure out if it was because of the 6 Red Horse or because she cried herself to sleep. Perhaps, it was both. She tried to get out of bed to get some breakfast. It was 8:30 in the morning. She had hoped that she would wake up later than that but she couldn't go back to bed.

The day went by and she needed to drink again. She needed to wake up for her coma-like day. She started sms-ing all her friends to find out who can join her.

After dinner, she quickly dressed and went to a friend’s house to drink the night away. She knew that this was just another temporary solution to what she was still feeling. But she needed it. She needed to be surrounded by friends and try to have a good time. She went back home 4 in the morning, wasted. But at least she had a great time.

-0-

She wrote to try and confront the pain. She will be better again soon. She has been in worse situations before. This was nothing compared to that. But still, it hurts. She doesn't know when her pain will go away but at least she's trying. Trying to forget about this nightmare. As for him, she wishes him well. She hopes not that he will come to his senses and go back to her. No, she didn't want that because she knew it would not happen. And if ever by the slimmest chance that it does, she doesn't know if she'll even have the heart to take him back. It was over. She knew that. Enough grieving. No more drama. She hopes that someday, when he meets another guy, it won't be like this. She had learned her lesson. Time to move on.

He was right, IT WAS NOT ME, IT'S YOU!

The Five Fast Facts Tag... Love, Live, Laugh, Let Go and Learn.

Ten Years Ago: My Sweet (or should I say Not-So-Sweet) Sixteen. It was the first time I found out my heart's capacity to love. And the trigger, called Vincent. We met at Giraffe. A popular hang-out that catered to both sexuality (gay and straight). Then situated in 6750 Ayala, it had a variety of people, from the young club goer to the oldies that needed a quick lay. It was here dancing to the tune of "I'm Honry all night long..." and "If you could read my mind..." when I fell madly in-love. Next thing I knew, we were holding hands, slow-dancing to the the club beat. It was also this year that I found out that the wonders of love and being in a relationship, no matter how grand, SUCKED big time when it was time to break up. Not to mention, it caused me temporary insanity. I vowed never again. Or at least not until the next virus comes along. Exactly a month later, TA-DA!


Five Years Ago: 21. The guys' official debut. This was when a boy turned into a 'man.' Or in my case, HURRAAHH to the gay guy within. This was the year I got into a life-changing accident. I was robbed and stabbed along the streets of P. Tuazon in Cubao. Long-story. For more than a month, I could not even go out of the house. I was too scared to even see other people apart from my own family. And even with them, I was shaky. It was a tough year and it took me months to recover from this ordeal. This was also the year my 2 year partner and I broke up when I caught him cheating. In a nutshell, a year I'm willing to forget.


One Year Ago: Wiley. 'Truly-madly-deeply', insanely involved. Love-life, turned kaput in a month. Career on the other hand was going pretty well. Traveling a whole lot and was promised a promotion. And with this I learned a lot. I learned to accept things as they are and not try and change things or people. As they say, only seasons change NOT people. You simply close your eyes and hope that tomorrow the sun will shine a little brighter.


One month ago: I was in Malaysia. I met 43 and 23. I'm still single now, so I'll let you do the math. :) Also bought a new toy: my Nikon d60. 1000 over pictures in a week. A good buy for me. It sparked my long-sleeping passion for photography.


Five Snacks: I'm a junk food junkie. (Though I try to eat healthy from time to time WINK!)
1. Mr. Chips (sometimes I even dip it into Cheese Wiz, YUM!)
2. Piatos (Cheese and Sour Cream)
3. Pringles (Sour Cream)
4. Fried Bananas and Kamote
5. Chocolates

Five Songs I Know All the Words To: Tough one. I usually know the lyrics to the song when I hear the melody. But these, I think I know even without hearing it.
1. Ghost by Indigo Girls
2. Ikaw Sana by Ogie Alcasid
3. Somewhere Down The Road by Barry Manilow
4. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
5. Part Of Your World by Ariel (Little Mermaid) --- HAHAHAHAH!!!

Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy a house in Paris and live there
2. Give 10 Million (or a certain amount) to the HIV (AIDS) research
3. Get a house for my parents where they could live the rest of their remaining lives comfortably.
4. Give a certain amount to my siblings.
5. Create a huge CD and DVD collection


Five Places to Run Away To: (I'm guessing actual places...)
1. Boracay (or any nice beach)
2. Paris
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. Ibiza
5. My future boyfriends' house. (tee-hihihi!)


Five Things I Would Never Wear:
1. A Wedding Gown (for obvious reasons)
2. An umbrella hat/cap that are sold by vendors on the street
3. A toupee. I'd rather shave everything off
4. Panties (for whatever reason)
5. A Prince Albert (or any accessory 'down there')


Five Favorite TV Shows: I'm a couch potato. Great combo for being a junk food junkie too. HEHEHE!
1. Charmed
2. Sex and the City
3. Tropang Turumpo
4. Grey's Anatomy (Season 1)
5. America's Next Top Model (only because I love looking at the pictures of the models after the shoot)


Five Greatest Joys:
1. Being in-love - for the people who know me, this is a pretty obvious choice.
2. Hanging out with friends
3. Cuddling and spooning
4. Having coffee on a rainy/cold day (or having beer on a beach in summer)
5. Helping people - seriously! Simple good deeds, no matter how small gives me joy. (Though I can be a bitch too! If needed.)


Five Favorite Toys:
1. Family Computer - this was the one invention that caused the social intolerance of kids today.
2. Jackstones / Pick-up sticks - yeah, it's so Gay, but I loved it!
3. Marbles
4. iPOD
5. Playing Cards


Done my part, shout-out to my bestfriend, Nat... your turn!

Superficial

"I want someone who I'm attracted to physically and have a connection with emotionally. Is that such a crime?" I said with such vigor.

He was starting to piss me off. I guess I was upset because he kept calling me superficial. Maybe I am, but aren’t we all?

Would Cinderella have been attracted to Prince Charming if he looked like Shrek? The only reason Fiona eventually got hitched with him was because she turned out to be an ogre too. Even Bell (Beauty) was not attracted to Beast instantly right? Lucky for her Beast turned out to be handsome at the end. Would she have been fascinated with him if he remained the Beast? Maybe so, but like all fairytales, it ended on a happy note. Go figure.

So why would it make you superficial to find an attractive partner? Or at least someone you’re attracted to initially. I want that! We all do, whether we would like to admit it or not.

Yes, you may find beauty beneath the ugly but would you consider even dating ‘ugly’ if you’re not the least bit attracted on a certain level?

Cue song: Humanap ka ng panget at ibigin mong tunay… (‘wag na uyyy, wag na, wag na)

Ok, so everyone deserves a chance to find love too and while physical appearance may not matter to some, it does matter to most. We all live in very cynical world and having certain preferences doesn’t make us lesser people. We’re just specific.

Tall, dark, and handsome.
Fair, cute, and small.
Chubbies,
Leans, medium builts, or muscle sculpted.
Adonis/Athena-like features.
Short haired or long.
Clean or mullet cut.
Smooth or hairy.

Preferences, we all have them.

But more often that not the ideal physical look that we want to find in a partner, they do not have.

That’s why it’s called preference, not requirements. It’s nice to have but not a prerequisite.

At the end of the day, you just want someone to connect with. You want to meet someone that would make your life a little more meaningful. It’s an additional reason for you to wake up each morning and just be happy. A person that when you meet, you hear bells, chimes, Angels singing Hallelujah or even Bocelli. Not a big gong or a voice saying “Run AWAY quick!”

Searching it on the omniscient Wikipedia I found these results.

Superficial is a general term meaning "regarding the surface", often metaphorically. Both in the literal as in the metaphorical sense the term has often a negative connotation based on the idea that deeper parts are also important to consider.

Now tell me, is it such a crime?

Stolen

What an unlucky day it was for me.
My entire bag was stolen last Sunday, Aug 17, 2008.

Laptop (office issued), my PSP, my external HD, my Sony Cybershot T200 Digital Cam, my iPod, and a lot of little precious things.

I hate it. It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I remember it. Not so much of the things but the memories that I have locked in my laptop and external HD. Specifically, 9,000 ++ songs and 14,000++ pictures. WTF!!!!

11:30PM Gen. Malvar cor J. Bocobo. In a taxi.

ARRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I still try and count my blessings. At least, I wasn't harmed. At least it wasn't the new dSLR I bought. I've been aching to buy an iPod Classic anyway. PSP kept me away from reading books, but now I got into reading again. Songs, I can always recover somehow. Pictures, Thank God for Multiply.

It's a pain to lose your things but it's even more painful to hear the nagging and disappointment from my mother's voice. :( Sigh!

I need a hug!

Somebody to Loooooove....

I remember it was a cold night. The rain just stopped and left puddles of water on the busy road. It was pretty late and people were rushing home. I decided to stop a local coffee shop to just think. Think about life and love and why it's seems to be so elusive for me.

For as long as I can remember this was the only topic I always write about, love. I've had my fair share (of it) so I guess that would about qualify me to share my stories.

Recent events (and by events I mean dates) in my life had left me to believe that I may never be one of those people who finds their happy ending. At 26, I feel jaded about the entire thing but I do try to remain hopeful. Wishing that someday I'd get to meet one person who'd make my life seem less important.

Everyday I awoke and went with my usual routine. Roll out my bed, dragged myself to the toilet. I bathed, towelled myself dry, shaved, brushed my teeth (twice), and put on my clothes. I went down the stairs, grabbed something to eat and headed out to another day of singlehood.

I don't know why I'm so bothered by the fact that I'm single. Perhaps because I never got used to it.

I started having a relationship when I was 15 and after countless of relationships, which included, liars, nymphomaniacs, addicts, deranged, players, puppy loves, older men, younger men, men my age, and everything else in between.

I enjoyed my first couple of months being single but now, this self-proclaimed love monkey is just going bananas.

Every night seemed colder than the last. The rain kept pouring. People still went their way and I sat there and watched. I wondered if out of the billions and billions of people in this planet, why was I still alone when love seemed to be everywhere.

***Photo taken from Magekin at Deviant Art: http://magekin.deviantart.com/art/Left-In-A-Corner-86372058

Morning Tear

Original Song by Brandy
revived by: Westlife

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand?
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away?
You'd give anything
To make them feel the same?
Have you ever searched for words
To get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start?



Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life?
You'd do just about anything
To look into their eyes?
Have you fin'ly found the one

You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you?
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait
For that day when they will care?




What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby?
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me?
Gotta get you in my world
'Cause, baby, I can't sleep



Have you ever?
(loved somebody so much it makes you cry...)
-o-

Well, have you? Huh?!

At some point, we all did... But what happens after your long search, you think you found 'the one,' only to find out you have to keep looking.

Do you cry some more?

Do you continue your search?

Give up?

Wait?

Pray?

Hope... Dream...

-o-

After a promise not too long ago, not to dance in the rain anymore to hide the tears. You wake up one morning only to realize you don't really need the rain,


you have your sunglasses.

Crazy... Die... Worms Will Eat Me!

I don't know why I easily get affected by the people around me? For some reason, when someone close to me is sad, depressed or just plain down. I can't help but feel the same way. And no matter how hard I try to shake it off, it's like a nagging mother-in-law that chases after you. It's both irritating and sad.

I want to learn how it is to be detached but there are very few people to learn from. And it would probably take years of practice to master.

It's just one of those days, I guess. Stressed. Depressed. And I feel as if everything around me suddenly turned gloomy. The sun didn't shine as bright as I hoped today. And my previous night didn't fair any better. Things that usually don't bother me on my normal days, irritate the hell out of me today. Voices of colleagues that I hear everyday, suddenly sounds like a siren on an abulance or a fire alarm. The phone ringing sounds like a bells clanging. Boisterous laughter seems like a giant balloon that keeps popping beside you. You just want to get the hell out of there.

And then a brilliant solution, the iPOD.

But just as luck may have it today, something got stuck on the earphone jack of my iPOD which prevented me from alienating the rest of the world. And I have been trying to get it out the whole morning but it just wouldn't budge. Off to the Mac Centre when I get back to have this darn thing fixed.

Crazy?! I'm not crazy!
I don't wanna die!

Die?! I don't want to die!
Worms will eat me!

Worms?! I hate worms!
They drive me crazy!

Crazy?! I'm not crazy!
I don't wanna die!

Die?! I don't want to die!
Worms will eat me!

Worms?! I hate worms!
They drive me crazy!

Crazy?!...

(repeat forever!)

Ramblings in Tagalog

Hindi ko alam kung ilan ang nagbabasa ng blog ko. Hindi ko din alam kung karamihan ba pinoy o may mga foreigners din na nagbabasa. Nahuli ko kasi yung isang ka-opisina ko na nagbabasa ng blog ko kaya hangga't maari, hindi ako nagsusulat ng tagalog. Mahirap na, kawawa naman ang fans. ("LORRRD!" sabi ni Nget.) Pero ang alam ko kay Ms. Vicky daan-daan or maaring libo-libo pa nga ang nagbabasa. Sikat na kasi si Atche!

Malapit na ako umuwi. Mga tatlong tulog na lang. Excited na nga ako eh. Namimiss ko na kasi friends ko sa Manila. Saka di mashadong ka-gandahan ang mga tao dito. Nakakaumay tingnan. Di katulad ng mga maowdel friends ko. (Pout Che, pout!)

Naalala ko yung sinulat ni Joey, tungkol sa Manok. Naiihi pa din ako sa kakatawa pag naalala ko sha. Napakatalino ng taong ito. Kung ano-ano ang naiisip. Pati manok pinagdidiskitahan. Kamusta naman di ba?

Marami-rami akong kaibigan na hayup kung magsulat, tulad na lang ni Nat. . Bestfriend ko yun, doctor, inglesera, sosyalera, pero sa loob-loob may pag ka cowboy din.

Pansin mo ba, naadik ako sa paglilink sa ibang tao. Iniinggit kasi ako ni Atche na marunong daw siya, so nalavinia ako. Kaya pinatunayan ko din na marunong ako.

Teka, teka, segway muna, nak-ng-tokwa, na distract ako don sa dumaan na kano. Ang gwapo ng animal. Kamukha ni Ramon Christopher pero mas gwapo ito. Kaso may kasamang bilat. Confirmed direcho ang takbo ng utak nito. Yung bilat, parang model, kamukha ni Natalie Portman, mas maganda nga lang si Natalie.

Epekto ito ng madaming trabaho. Kailangan pa minsan-minsan lumabas ako sa office at wag mashado magtrabaho. Kakapagod din kasi, stressed na stressed na ako. Dami kong deadlines, kung ano-anong proposals at projects. Sa Friday na daw ang huling palugit sabi ni Bossing. Feeling kasi nila si Superman ako, di nila alam, si Darna ang favorite ko.


Tagal naman magdownload ng Adobe Photoshop Trial Version. Dalawang oras na ako nagdodownload asa 16% pa lang. 7 hours 30 minutes pa daw. 'Nak ng! Bukas na nga lang. Pagod na ako.

TRIP Support

My Friends please support....

Bata, Bata Paano Ka Ginawa?

Baket nga ba na karamihan ng matatanda nahuhumaling sa mga bata?

Madami-dami na din akong kaibigan ang nakikipagrelasyon sa bata. Dahil ba mas maalaga? Mas malambing? Mas inosente? Kung iisipin mong mabuti, nung kabataan mo ba ganon ka? Mas maalaga, malambing at inosente?

At bakit sa iyong pagtanda biglang nagbago ang lahat. Ito ba ay dahil sa karanasan mo nung ikaw ay namumulat pa lang sa alindog ng ka-munduhan? Ano nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit mas masarap magmahal ang bata?

-0-

Ayaw ko ng bata. Para sa akin sakit lamang ito sa ulo. Maigi pa na kumuha ka ng bato at ipukol na lamang sa iyong ulo. Ika nga nila, immature daw ang mga bata. Mahirap alagaan at pakibagayan. Iba kayo lagi ng trip sa buhay. Kung ikaw, mahilig lang mamalagi sa bahay at masaya na na nagbabasa ng libro habang pinapatugtog ang Jazz Classics cd na binili mo nung isang linggo, ang mga bata naman mas gustong nagkakape sa Trinoma or di kaya nagiinuman sa Malate. Ma-gimmik, yan ang buhay ng bata. Parang lahat gustong tikaman at maranasan. Oo, sige na, hindi lahat ng bata ganito ang trip sa buhay. May mga iba na mahilig din tumambay sa bahay at magbasa na lang ng libro. Pero ilan ang kilala mo na ganito?

Bago ang lahat, ilang taon ba ang bata para sa inyo? Sampu pababa, bente pataas hanggang trenta? Para sa mga asa mid-20s, matanda na daw sila. Pero para sa early-30s bata din daw sila kumpara sa mga 40s, 50s, 60s, 90s... So, ano ba talaga? At dahil nabibilang ako sa mga mid-20s, para sa akin lahat ng mas bata sa edad ko, BATA. Kahit alam kong bata pa din naman ako.

Ang gulo. Parang turumpo.

Marami na din naman akong naranasan sa buhay ko para sabihin kong medyo matanda na ako. Medyo lang. Kung kaibigan kita at alam mo ang buhay ko, mag-a-agree ka din sa akin. Pero madami naman sa inyo na hindi ako kilala, kaya maniwala ka na lang.

-0-

Pero baket nakakahumaling pa din ang bata? Masaya kasi kasama ang bata, parang feeling mo bata ka na din.

High School.

Naalala mo ba ang ligawan nung high school? Nung hindi pa ganon kalala ang cellphone, texting, at Friendster, Multiply, G4M, at kung ano-ano pang internet social networking sites. May chatting na non. Pero Java Script or MiRC nga lang.

"ASL?"

"16yo M Manila"

"ic"

"U?"

"26 M Bulacan"

"Layo... lol!"

At makalipas ang ilang pagpapalitan pa ng mensahe...

"So, EB?"

"Sure, san tayo magkikita? Ano suot mo?"

"Sa McDo Quezon Ave. Magsusuot ako ng blue cap, white shirt and jeans."

"Ok. Sige, kita tayo ng 1pm."

Naalala nyo ang mga ganitong usapan? Mahirap makipag-EB noon kasi wala namang picture. O kung meron man, kailangan mo pang pumunta ng computer shop para lang magpa-scan. Hassle, dami keme. Kaya kadalasan papakinggan mo na lang ang nararamdaman mo at magdadasal ka na ang kikitain mo ay hindi mukhang bakulaw.

Kadalasan din, dadating ka sa lugar na inyong pinagusapan at magugulat ka na lang na may apat na naka blue cap, white shirt at jeans. Ang saya-saya. Pero dahil hindi ka sigurado king sino sa kanila ang dapat mong lapitan, magpapakyut ka nlang at magaantay na ikaw ang lapitan nila.

Anak ng, oo nga pala, nakalimutan mong ikaw lang ang nagtanong ng suot nya. Hindi mo nasabi kung anong suot mo. Patay na! Paano na 'to? At dahil hindi pa uso ang cellphone... Teka, uso na pala, wala ka lang non. Putcha.

Makalipas ang apat na oras, umalis na din ang tatlong naka blue cap, white shirt and jeans. Isa na lang ang natira. So by the process of elimination, mukhang bibinggo ko na. Pero malas, sa tinagal-tagal ng pagaantay mo...

"Excuse me. Are you John Michael?"

"Huh? Sorry, James Martin ang pangalan ko."

'Nak ng tipaklong, lapit na eh, parehong JM.

Maraming posibiledad kung bakit hindi ka nagtagumpay. Una, sha nga si John Michael pero dahil hindi ka nya type, nagpanggap na ibang tao na lang sha. Ikalawa, hindi talaga siya yun at nagkamali ka talaga. Ikatlo, malas ka lang talaga.

Teka, anong araw na nga ba ngayon?

Sabado.

Bukas pa pala EB ko.

Linggo.

Memory gap.

-0-

Ang saya-saya main-love nung high school ka. Madaming kakilig-kilig na pangyayari. Makatanggap ka lang ng page (Pocketbell, EasyCall o kung hip ka, Jazz Page) mula sa crush mo, para kang maiihi sa tuwa. Madalas, maguusap kayo sa phone (landline). Telebabad. Kadalasan patago mo pa gagawin kasi bawal ka mahuli ng nanay mo at sigaradong patay ka. May pasok kasi kinabukasan at bawal magpuyat.

Ano nga ba pinaguusapan nyo non? Ito yung mga sinasabi nilang sweet nothings. Sa madaling sabi, mga walang kwentang bagay na pinaguusapan pero dahil crush mo yung tao, kinikilig ka pa din. Tulad ng anong episode ang naganap sa Bioman/Daimos or kung ano mang cartoons at kahit teleserye noon (Gulong ng Palad, Cebu, Dakak, Isabel Sugo ng Birhen, Ana Lisa at sa mga bago-bago, Marimar o Mara Clara) ang palabas nung panahon na yun.

Nakahiga ka sa kama. Paikot-ikot, patumbling tumbling sa kumot habang hawak pa din ang telepono. Ngiti na hanggang makabilang tenga. Ngiting aso.

At bigla mo na lang makikita ang relo mo, alas tres na.

"O, cge goodnight na."

"Ok. Sige, tulog na tayo ha."

"Goodnight!"

"Sige, ibaba mo na ang telepono."

"Ikaw muna. Ikaw tumawag eh."

"Ikaw na."

"O, sige, sabay tayo ha"

"Ok. Ok."

"One... two... three..."

Biglang tahimik.

"Oh, bat di mo binaba?"

"Eh, bat di mo din binaba?"

"Eh sabi mo sabay eh"

Hala, sa mga pagkakataon na ito kasalukuyang mamatay-matay ka na sa kilig.

Hay.. mga bata nga naman! Ang saya-saya!

Gusto kong bumalik ng High School. Masarap nga main-love sa bata. Walang violation. Walang basagan ng trip. Masarap talaga bata di lang dahil sa kilig, pero dahil din sa madaming ibang bagay. Fresh meat, ika nga.

Alam mo na yun.

The Last Great Romantic

Chances are you'll meet someone that will simply sweep you off your feet, carry you in a far and distant land and vow to make you happy for the rest of your life. And while most believe that fairytales are just stories to compensate for your longing, waiting and need to be with someone. For some, it does happen.

Waiting for the right 'prince' to come can take as much patience as once can tolerate in a lifetime. But when he comes knocking on your doorstep, one can only surmise the amount of joy and passion seeing that shining armour.

I sat here thinking about you.
Wondering if that blinding light has caused me to see beyond what I can only dream about. Somewhere in a land I have never travelled,
you looked at me in silence seemingly whispering to follow.
Beyond the truth,
beyond any experience,
across foolishness, hate, and fear,
I saw myself drawn near.
My world divides,
and my soul seeks the one.
In your frail gesture of the things that surround me,
of which I could not feel,
I could not touch because I knew at once you loved me.
And if dreams, hopes and wishes are for children,
and love is tale for fools,
I'd like to live this tale with you.

Believing that a fairytale can come true is the same as believing in God. Both require faith.

As a child I learned that if you want something you can pray. And out of the gazillion of prayers HE hears every single day, you wonder if he actually has time to answer all of them. Good news is that He does. Bad news, sometimes the answer is NO.

Most likely, the love of your life will not be a prince. He will not be as glorious as you have imagined. He will not be on a steed dressed in golden saddle. He will not be wearing a shining armour. He will not be the one you expect him to be. But there will be something there to let you believe that while he is not your prince, he's someone who will care for you and love you unconditionally.

Oftentimes, we set expectations on people we would want to meet. We set standards on what we believe is the perfect person for us. Idealism.

(Idealism is the doctrine that ideas, or thought, make up the whole or an indispensable aspect of any full reality.)

A deranged perception of reality, bounds you to believe that a lifetime can happen.

But then, you wake up one morning fearing everything that was just a reverie you stumble to get out of bed. A familiar face greets you, “Good morning, Hun!”

Chances are your fairytale just came true.

Sunday with Tunde

Hey, so you threw your heart right in

And it turned out less than perfect
A losing streak is starting in your mind
You let yourself believe the pain
Is never gonna be worth it

I've been in Malaysia for two weeks now and I'm missing all of my friends in Manila. I'm supposed to go back home on Saturday, Aug 2 but it looks like I'll be staying here one more week. I still need to finish a lot of things. Turn over documents to the new girl on the block. Train the new guy and hire and interview a couple of dozen more people for the job. So tiring. So lonely.

Missing Atche and her ramblings, stories, scams, mood swings and everything else in between. I know from reading her blog (http://iamsucculent.blogspot.com) that she misses me too. It's just different here with no close friends to share your life with.

Don't beat yourself up
Know that you were never wrong for wishful thinking
So you done lost the battle
Should we just cross out your name and let you sink

Missing Sepid and her funny moments. She seems to be coping a lot better now. I didn't know how strong she was until now. I'd like to share her story but I promised her I would not say anything. But for the readers out there who doesn't know her, just think betrayal.

I was looking at our pictures from way back when. During the time she was still with the company. It made me miss her even more. Being with her was one of the best moments I remember. Remember Singpore Sep? Hilarious!

I'm missing Reejoie too. We usually share stories about our frustrations about the company and how unfair it can be for some of us. I heard she's sick now. Probably her allergies are acting up again. (Get well soon, Badette!)

You got me feeling like the last surviving
Great romantic
But stop dreaming and the world stops spinning around
You feel foolish cause love never turns out
Like you planned it
But stop believing and the world starts letting you down

There a couple of good things that happened to me while I was here though. One, I got my new toy. For months and months we (Reejoie and I) have been thinking of what dSLR to buy. We were agreed that Nikon was still one of the best cameras but we can't decide which one to get, Nikon D60 or Nikon D80. I did an extensive research on both cams and while I think D80 is still the better cam, I ended up buying the D60, mainly because it was best for my budget. (Read: previous blog)

The other good thing was the cause of my sleepless nights, huge phone bill, welcomed distractions, and the reason I smile on idle moments. Not going to dwell on that for now. Let's just say I'm looking forward to be home. Honestly though, this scares the sh*t out of me. But I won't let my fear get in the way of my chance to be happy.

So, you had to let it go
It clearly wasn't working
A new love leaves you trembling
You hide behind the door
So unsure of what you used to know
So now you think you're every move ten steps ahead
And you are frozen
Caught inside yourself
You're drowning as the anger overflows

I haven't heard anything from Singapore Guy for quite some time now. Yes, we dated again just before I flew to Malaysia. I invited him out for a movie and we were suppose to meet again later that night. But for some reason, we didn't. Must be fate. Must be a sign telling me to give it up. How many more times do I have to see the door close for me to realize there's nothing or no one coming back? My messianic complex kicked it.

-0-

The Messiah Complex is a state in which the individual believes themselves to be, or destined to become, the saviour of the particular field, a group, an event, a time period, or in an extreme scenario, the world. This could also be the state in which a group views an individual as a messiah, such as followers of a cult leader. The cult leader doesn't have to claim to be a messiah, but if he is treated as such by his followers, it can also be classified as such.

People with a messiah complex tend to see themselves as saviors to a specific group of people or a specific field, making claims of their own glory, or claiming a self-awareness of their own gift and how that gift can affect a group of people or a field of life.

In the most extreme cases, people with a messiah complex may see themselves as spiritual/religious messiahs with transcendent powers who are destined to save the world.

(Taken from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Messianic_complex)

-0-

Nothing extreme as such saving the world. Just one person. Who likes playing.

He seems like a player. Acts like a player. Can be a player. Maybe he IS a player. But one thing is for certain, I gave this guy the power to hurt me. And I'm taking that power back.

You got me feeling like the last surviving
Great romantic
But stop dreaming and the world stops spinning around
You feel foolish cause love never turns out
Like you planned it
But stop believing and the world starts letting you down

You got me feeling like the last surviving
Great romantic
But stop dreaming and the world stops spinning around
You feel foolish cause love never turns out
Like you planned it
But stop believing and the world starts letting you down

So...

I've got two more weeks here and I'm doing ok spening my Sunday with Tunde. But I miss spending it with Nat. Black and White in Good Earth. And loving every second of it!

(Shout out to Vicky who introduced Tunde to me, who sounds like Seal and whose songs cuts deep like a knife. Lyirics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/tunde_lyrics_3177/tunde_lyrics_10338/great_romantic_lyrics_119536.html)

Me and My Nikon D60

Ok, so after months of waiting, I finally bought my very first d-SLR. My new toy! Me so happpeeee!!! =D

I started photography very early. I joined the PhotoSoc (Photography Society) back when I was in grade 6 and then joined the Advanced Photography Club a year later. I was using a Nikon and Canon SLR back then and I learned a lot. But through the years, with the advancement from film to digital I placed my cameras locked in a closet somewhere at home.



About two years ago, I bought a Sony Cybershot DSC-H2, a semi-pro camera but only after a year or so, I started to lose interest in using it because it was bulky for a point and shoot but not so convenient for professional shots. Later that year I bought a Cybershot T200 which was a really nice point and shoot camera. I brought it everywhere and shot everything. Soon after, I craved for a d-slr. Inspired by my friend Reejoie who likes to take photos also. So we promised that come our adjustment money we will buy one. (Sorry, Joie, I know I promised we'd buy it together but it was relatively cheaper here in Malaysia and plus I am an impulse buyer anyway. hehehe.)

I initially wanted a Nikon D80 but because it was too expensive for my budget, I opted for a cheaper D60 which turned out to be a good buy. Technically I know basic photography so I guess this will do for now. Maybe after a year I will have the professional know-how to get a pro d-slr. I'm waiting for the D90. =D

So here's a few shots I took from my new toy! I love it! Enjoy!
http://imago.multiply.com/photos/album/150/Me_and_My_Nikon_D60

OMFG! Ms. Vicky's in Love

So love does come in the most unlikely place and time, and even the most unlikely person. (Told 'yah so! But nooooobody listens to the gay guy, huh!)

What can I say, she's in love. Ms. Vicky's in love.

Either that or she's just blushing like a 16yo virgin, never been touched, never been kissed, and never been fondled -- which I know is killing her. (Kidding!)

My emotions are running amok.

I’m happy for her and I pity myself.

I’m envious and I hate it.

I’m hopeful but it’s fleeting.

Sigh!

She recently met this E-I-C of one of the top magazines in the country--- through Facebook. Yes, single people, finding a date through the internet is easier than getting your food on time during lunch time in Manggan. And being both writers, they basically hit it off almost instantly.

A few days later, 5 days to be exact EIC’s declaration of love became official. “Be mine.” Sounds like something you’d see on a teddy bear or perhaps a cricket lighter. Baby, Lyt My Fire!

And what would dear Ms. Vicky do? She was basically, for the lack of better words, swept off her feet. And for those people who know her, and by that I mean the badettes¸ she isn’t the kind of woman who’d be taken by all the pambobola of men especially since she’s got game at the whole bolahan thing too. But who would have thought that she would dive in, then swim on treacherous water, drown, only to be seen, carried off to shore, and revived by a man who was willing to look pass her past and be his future.

And if only I could share the many SMS exchanges they had that would simply blow anyone who reads it away. Perhaps since they both write well, they could express their emotions in a more poetic, grammatically correct, spell-checked manner unlike most normal human beings.

It’s soooo unlike her. I’ve never seen her THIS happy in almost 3 years as friends. No guy has ever made her light up so much. And I worry for her. I don’t want to see the light switched off anytime soon. I only wish this guy is THE real deal. And that he has a gay brother whom he could introduce to me.

But the important thing is now. A new beginning with the perfect person and she’s happy, and we, as her friends are happier for her.

Nakaka-wala ng pagkatao ang pagka-impacho sa pagmamahal!

Yes, my friends, Ms. Vicky’s in love.

(photo pic-napped at her friendster)

To Atche: I do hope it's perfectly alright to write about this. I was just sooooo inspired with the twinkle in your eyes that I decided to write something about it -- less false eyelashes.

Side Order of Love

I don’t remember the last time I fell in love. It was such a long time ago that every day that I think about finding love feels as if it’ll never come. ‘Be patient, it’ll come in the most unexpected time, in the most unlikely place.’ My friend always told me this and somehow, while it’s comforting to know, I’m finding it harder and harder to believe.

I miss it. I miss the feeling of being in love. I miss the happiness that comes with it. I miss the moments when you wake up knowing that the one you love is beside you. I miss the times when right before you go to bed, his voice is the last thing you hear.

And so, I post this blog to find someone who’ll read it and relate. As I’m sure a lot of single people there will. I envy my friends, who got married, engaged, or just plain in love with their partners. I envy what they have and I remember when I used to have that too.

I recently heard that my last ex has another partner, 2 since the last time we broke up. I don’t really know if he’s just lucky or is it because he’s out there, always on the prowl and I’m not.

Every week, I take time to unwind and spend some quality time to release a stressful week at work. Malate, Metrowalk, Makati, I can be seen anywhere and yet no one really sees me. Time and time again, I’ve asked myself if I’m that difficult to approach, to get to know, to love. I am a complicated person, that I will admit to but I am not difficult to love. I’m just like most people, idealistic and a hopeless-romantic. It’s just that I admit to it.

I can’t wait for love to come. I can’t wait for someone to sweep me off my feet and carry me to a far off land. Ok, well I guess that’s pushing it. Let’s just say I want someone I can connect with. Someone sincere and faithful, whom I know nowadays, is hard to come by, especially in the gay scene. After all, men are naturally born promiscuous.

Last night, I was in a bar, somewhere in Malate and there was this pretty adorable guy dancing in front of me. He was being eyed by another guy from across the dance floor. I noticed him texting and peeked to look. Yes, I was that bored. He was sms-ing his lover. I knew ‘coz I saw the name ‘PAO-HUN.’ After a few more drinks and more eye to eye courtship, the guy from across the dance floor approached and they started making out. I thought to myself, ‘Is there really no more faithful guys around?’ It’s so sad that most people take for granted their relationships. And for what, for a quick lay?

Sometimes I wonder if the complication of being in a relationship is worth the risk. Is being in a relationship better than being single? Or is being single and just fooling around better than risking being hurt because one partner can’t keep their pants on? I guess it all boils down to contentment. But people rarely get satisfied. There’s always something more they want. It’s never enough. Love never is.

If being in a relationship is the main course and love is the side order, let me have some of that.

Check please!

On Familiar Ground

Standing on the middle of nothing.
Looking for yet another familiar face.
We share a common goal,
find the light surrounded by darkness.
Wishes...hopes... and dreams.
Fleeting.

Everything is a constant battle.
A fight to keep sanity
In the chaotic world you live in
Peace is a luxury you wish to keep.
Hope is something you need to have.
How strong are you?
Have far are you willing to go to find yourself?

The sweet sadness in your smile,
hiding beneath the mask that's crumbling.
Fading memories of the past
oh, what joy.
Numb.
Let's not feel.
Enough with love.
Enough!

Standing on a familiar ground,
I still see nothing.
No one.
Just light.
Pin light.

Weekend of Goodbyes

So who would have thought that after being single for nearly 8 months (pause for dramatic effect), I’m still single! Dang! I think I’m getting too old for this ‘crazy lil’ thing called L-O-V-E.’ And I won’t say it’s not getting to me because it does, and all of my friends can affirm this. After all, I am a commitment-maniac. There I said it! I love being in-love and sometimes even more than the person. I am an idealist. I love the idea of me being in love. And this has been my greatest fault. Oftentimes, even before the relationship starts I’ve already set plans of having a 1st anniversary vacation cruise with him. This usually happens by the second date. I know right, WTF am I thinking? But hey, being idealistic in love comes with a price (sometimes even literally). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t and never will pay for love. This is not PRETTY WOMAN after all. I ain’t that rich. So why is it that when it comes to love, we all look for the ideal, perfect, and over-the-top kind? Were we fed with so much ‘happily ever afters’ as a kid that fairytales becomes ideal? We all look for our Prince Charming’s, Cinderella’s, Snow White’s, Carrie’s and Mr. Big’s and yet for some of us, they may never come.

In my search for the perfect kind of love, I came across three very unique individuals. And as quickly as each one came, each of them disappeared out of my life.

Cavite Guy

Three years ago I met this aspiring entrepreneur on one hot summer night. I won’t try to frost it; it was a one night stand. And that was basically it, a quick lay, nothing special, and nothing to be serious about. But then, a few years down the road, I received this message on one of the websites I frequently visit reminding me of this night, an invite of sorts to keep in touch and go out soon. And as if soon didn’t come quickly enough, we had lunch the next day. We had lunch at Podium and talked, and talked, and talked. I found him on a different light. It’s like really meeting him for the first time. I realized this guy had a very big potential to be a very good partner. He’s intellectual, goal-oriented, focused and driven. He owned his own training management company which was his wife, baby, partner and life. His world revolved around his work and company. I remember asking him why he’s so passionate about this and he said, ‘because my work is the only thing that gives me back importance.’ I’m not entirely sure what this meant or why he answered it like that but I knew at that very instant I could never compete. I also knew that this person can assure me of a very good future. We tried to make it work but things were much more complicated. We had different priorities and he was not ready to give it all up for a shot at a relationship. While I was willing to give it my everything. I haven’t heard from him for 4 days and I take it as he’s just not that interested.

Singapore Guy

Last Saturday I met up with some of my friends to unwind and have a great time. We decided to go clubbing and dance, get drunk and just have fun. We went to our usual hang out at Malate. The night started great and we heated the dance floor early on. Vicky sported this uber sexy outfit seemingly ignoring the fact that we were at a gay club and straight men there were either waiters, go-go boys or there with their girlfriends who had gay friends. I obviously underestimated her as she ended up dancing with this hot ‘undetermined (sexual orientation)’ guy. The whole time I was texting with this Singapore guy who claimed to have other plans with his friends and won’t be coming there. But to my surprise, later that night (morning), he texted saying he’ll be coming. I was suddenly filled with excitement. After all, I really like this guy and he seemingly liked me.

I met him about a month and a half ago. We started exchanging text messages at first and a few phone calls here and there. It was only recently after he came back from Singapore that we decided to meet. I saw his pictures on the net and I knew he was attractive but I didn’t realize he was hot until a saw him personally. He had a great body, much like a surfers. He’s also highly intellectual and spoke very well. Up until that time, I never even imagined I’d have the slightest possibility to date someone like him. I was never really that attracted to guys who sported a great physique, spoke well and modelled. Call it insecurity but I refused to date guys like that because I knew my paranoia will always get the best of me. I still gave it a shot. He was sweet, thoughtful and almost the guy I wanted to have a relationship with. But then it crumbled as quickly as it was built.

He was always the mysterious type, hardly spoke about his life and rarely shared his feelings to me. But before that Saturday night, he did. He told me about his friends (whom I met a week before) and even his past lovers. He was beginning to open up to me. And I was finally confident that I could crack some of his mysteries. I was terribly wrong. I haven’t heard from him since.

The Young Guy

A few months back while I was hanging out at our usual club I bumped into an old friend. He was with his guy and I was immediately taken by his unbelievably cute smile. Yes, it was that smile that also drove me to find out more about him. I messaged my friend asking him to give him my number. I found out that he did but the guy never texted or called. So, persistent as I am, I found another way. I messaged him on the usually site I had an account with hoping that he’d reply. After a week, I got my answer. We exchanged messages and started keeping in touch even when I was in Malaysia for work. When I came back, we decided to meet for dinner. Dinner was a short one and we never had an opportunity to have another one. I realised he was young and yet again, we had different priorities. I didn’t want to pursue. I gave up even before it started.

-o-

Perhaps this is partly my fault for having too much expectation with all three of them. But I tried and make at least one work but it seemed that fate was against my side. I didn’t fall in love with all of them, not even one. I fell in love with the fact that I had a shot to be happy again. I was hopeful and somewhat looking forward to the possibility of finding my happy ending. I ran too fast and jumped too high. One of my friends spoke to me about having too high standards. I know I had them set too high but then again, I never wanted to lower it down. Maybe I should. But let me find the right person first. Until then, I remain single, not-so-happy but ok single. I will remain hopeful and idealistic even if it takes another 8 months or more until that crazy-lil’-thing called L-O-V-E comes my way… and stays.

Ode to a Sunday

San Mig Light and Menthols on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Tofu dripping with grease that slides like slime down your throat.
An order of deep fried french fries with garlic mayo dip.
A dash of chili, and a little sprinkle of you.
Chopsticks, ashtrays, a notebook and pens.
You take a drag on your cigarette, and sing at the top of your lungs.
Koreans sit across our table with plum nail polish.
We roll our eyes at the adolescent punks who vandalized the table beside us.
Kids lined with eyeliners, who smoked and posed as hip.
They ordered nothing but alcohol from a nearby convenience store.
Pathetic.
So out of boredom, we played SOS, Afro Hangman, and Pencil-Flick Wars.
Became sentimental, and spoke about love, life and everything else in between.
And then a realization hit: Sundays are more than beer, cigarettes and people-watching.
It's about sharing lives, thoughts, hopes and dreams,
Daydreaming and guessing what the future may bring.
Loneliness, fears, babies and marriage.
Probabilities and endless possibilities.
In this chaotic world where pieces of you get broken all the time,
We hang on to each other, knowing there is nothing else as infallible as our Sundays.
With our San Mig Light and Menthols, we continue to share our passion for life.
Caught in our own world, we laugh and we cry,
But we keep on coming back to our sanctuary: each other.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
All that matters is that we keep on coming back.
Armed with nothing else but our deep love
For a lazy Sunday afternoon.


April 20, 2008

Twister

Once upon a time, they were best friends.

They knew nothing could ever come between them. One was always talking about how life was cruel to him. And because she was the only person who knew him inside and out, she always knew what he needed to hear. But still he felt lonely and sad that his life was not the way he wanted. She can offer nothing but her shoulder because she could never give him what he needed the most. For him, it was more than enough... to hear her voice on the phone, and to see her as often as he could. He loved her more than anyone.

But then he met someone who occupied his thoughts and his heart. And slowly, he drifted away.

He was happy and content with the life he finally found. But then, as he always feared, everything fell apart. He wanted it to last forever, and she knew that this person was different, and mattered to him more than anyone else he has ever met.

So even if she felt like she had been forgotten, she did everything to put things back together without his knowedge. It was her best friend's happiness that mattered more than anything did. And it worked out for the best.

One day, she received a surprising message from him. "Nat, I need to see you. Can we meet up?"

And so they did.

They met at the usual place. After so many years, here they are on another lazy Sunday.

"I thought you'd forgotten about me," she said half-jokingly.

"How could I do that? You're my best friend."

"You know that will never change. I've always understood that I had to let you go to find the happiness I could never give," she said, taking his hand.

He felt that even if she meant what she said, there was a painful ring to those words. He apologized.

But she wouldn't accept it. She knew he didn't know what she did for him, but she wanted him to think that he found what he was looking for by himself. After all, that's what he needed.

"I'm dying," he said. "Doctors said I have cancer."

She was stunned and speechless. This time, she had no power to change anything. She was helpless, and again, she could offer nothing but her shoulder.

Chem Love

Reposting from http://www.imago.multiply.com



If love were for sale, would you buy it and for how much?

Lifetime vs. Three Hours

I recently had an encounter with someone who thought that happiness can be found by taking on little pill worth a thousand plus pesos. For roughly two months, I believed that his person can love me, that I was enough to make him happy. However, he wanted heaven. He wanted it so much he was more than willing to let me go, break my heart and step on it. He wanted three hours of heaven in exchange for a promise, a hope of a lifetime together. I was foolish enough to think that my love can suffice. That my love can give him what he wanted what he needed. But, he wanted heaven --three hours of it to be exact.

“I love you! I hope you know that.”

“I know and I love you too”

“But I guess not as much as ‘that’ right?

“Yeah!”

He could have been kind enough to deny it. He could have said “No!” He could have cared enough not to answer. But he did not. He answered in such a cold voice. I heard my heart break. Instantly. It broke like a wooden stick, right smack at the middle. SNAP! It echoed throughout my body. I was shaking and tears immediately came rolling down my cheeks. I have heard bad break-up lines but this one’s for the books.

It was suppose to be our day together. A day we promised to spend together because it was almost our second month. I woke up and saw my mobile phone completely drained. I stood up and grabbed the charger. I turned on my phone and saw his message. He said he needed to go to his friends’ place because they want to talk. I called him. He picked up my call and I heard ‘house music’ loudly playing on the background. My initial thought was that they were drinking. He said he was going to finish in a few hours. It was 12 noon when I received his SmS and it was now four in the afternoon. Unless it was a discussion on political history and the Cold War, I highly doubted that all they were doing was talk. I knew he was lying but I did not pursue. An hour later, I called him again.

“I don’t understand. Why do you need to be there and talk for more than 5
hours? This was our day together. We were going to celebrate, remember?”

He did not answer. He could not answer.

“Did you drop? Tell me honestly. Did you drop?”

“Yes, I did!”

For a moment, I was speechless. Then I started asking questions for which I already knew the answers. It was then I realised that he did not love me as much as I had hoped, as much as I deserved. It was that afternoon I ended it.


Two Weeks, Too Soon


I got back from Kenya two weeks later and heard they got back together (unofficially). It did not really come as a surprise as I already heard rumors about it. Somehow, I knew it was bound to happen eventually. However, I did not expect it to be sooner rather than later.

“Do you believe in 2nd chances?”

“No. But I guess it really depends. If after sometime I still love him or he still loves me”

“Ah, so you do naman pala eh.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

Perhaps it is not meant to be. Perhaps I was even deceived all along. But whatever the reason was, it didn’t really matter anymore. There was nothing left to do but wish them well and move on. His heart never really belonged to me after all. It belonged to someone he considered his friend, his lover and maybe even his soul mate. My friends said I was better off without him but part of me refused to believe that at first. Then, I must. Therefore, I did.

If heaven can be found on a pill and love can be bought, would you buy it?

“I’d rather fall in love and go through hell to someday know what forever in heaven feels like with someone.”

Whenever.

Wherever.

WhatEVERRR!

Halaga

Kung bukas matutunan mong magmahal muli,
Saan mo hahanapin ang pag-ibig na tila tuluyan mo ng nilimot?
At sa iyong patuloy na paglalakbay
Patungo sa daang waring unti-unting naglalaho
Paano na ang pag-asa?

Apat na mahahabang buwan at bawat araw, oras at minuto'y binibilang.
Nagaantay sa pagdating ng bukas na muling magising ang nahihimbing na puso.

Doon sa tabi ng bughaw na langit,
Naroon kaya?

Doon sa nagkukubling liwanag, sa lilim na berdeng halaman,
Mayroon kaya?

Naroon, doon sa ilalim ng madilim na dagat,
Andoon ata.

Maaring doon sa naglalagablab na init ng araw,
Hindi mahawakan, hindi rin masilyan,
Baka naroon nga.

Kung bukas makalawa ay iyong matagpuan ang mailap mong inaasahan,
Maalala mo pa rin kaya ang daang noo'y iyong tinahak,
Na pilit mong nilimot ang mga sakit at pait ng kahapon?

At kapag iyong natagpuan ang pagasa,
Ito ba'y may halaga pa?